HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010 EVERYONE :D

yep i know this is really late, but i guess this blog deserves an entry after so long. hehe; Was out in the streets when the clock struck 12 with my family and we saw pretty fireworks everywhere being set off. I guess it's something i won't be able to see in Singapore since we can't exactly buy & set off fireworks here. Anyway, after that we went to buy fireworks and set it off at our place it was quite an experience! I was quite scared by the recoil at first cos i was holding onto it so my eyes were shut, which frankly defeats the purpose of setting off fireworks right! But i got over it and fireworks are always pretty things. This holiday's been somewhat rushed, but nonetheless it's been very meaningful and very interesting. Helped out a lot when i was back and as much as rush hours + special occasions make you super exhausted since there'll be crowds, i kinda miss it. I like the way i actually discover new things over the holidays, and i really miss daddy<3

Anyway, it feels good to be back and to be in church again; settled camp comm stuff just now and yes, i'm going to miss the whole bunch of them and the work we have to do, as crazy as that sounds. I really really thank God for the experience, and the people He's allowed me to work closely with. At the moment, i still can't believe it's already 2010 (!!!) ; and this year looks pretty promising so far. On a sidenote, I MISS ALL OF YOU(:

one thing i hate most, and that's the tinge of regret that bubbles in you and that voice that says "i wished things could have been different". I know it's already over, and i should NOT mope over it, but i still don't like the fact that i couldn't go for youth camp this year. It's not the first time that i can't go, but this year it held so much more for me because i was in camp comm, and no i'm not talking about how much i spent doing up whatever i'm supposed to do. Frankly, what i have been doing didn't matter all that much, it's just that intangible bond/closeness thing you feel when the whole bunch of you are together planning for something, hoping for something to work out according to the plans and vision that everyone has decided on. I hate the way i had no way out, i hate how i just couldn't go for the camp because i knew that if i had, I would have enjoyed myself thoroughly, learnt and grown from the process, not that i haven't of course, but somehow it doesn't feel complete.

I wished i had more of the experience, and i wished i'd been part of the whole rush and panic and rush of adrenaline one week prior to the camp, busily settling last minute stuff, tying up loose ends and finalising last few minute details. I wished i was there during the 4 days of the camp, part of the action, going through the games, taking lots of photos, having debrief and reflection late into the night, and just talking to the people. I wish for all of it and i wish for it more than anything, but i know nothing's going to change. No matter how much i grouse and rant, it's all done, it's all over. It's just that deep down, i keep feeling that bitter twang of regret, that voice that's just screaming I WISH I HAD BEEN THERE I WISH I WISH I WISH. I know the feeling will fade, but right at this moment, it's staying stubbornly.

and it's at times like this that photos don't hold as much appeal- as much as they remind of you of the good times you've shared and had, they remind you even more of what you've missed. It hits hard yknow, really hard.

I guess I'm finally up for that post osl entry, and one thing i have to say is that i won't forget it in a long while. The two weeks in Cambodia were very different from what i expected it to be, and i am guilty of constantly comparing it to Pahang'06; they are 2 very different trips, with very different expectations. But one thing that definitely stuck to me was how all the kids and the students there are so real, and so willing to just talk to you. I miss the way all of us would walk in the school and you can just say "hello" and smile to someone, and they would smile back and find out what your name is. How they were all so eager to learn, and they really treasure the friendships they've forged with you (:

Labels: Osl Cambodia'09

I feel quite bad for posting at blogger only when i feel like it, sometimes it feels as though i'm on the brink of abandoning it but you can't blame since tumblr is so so awesome that i'd rather stay there and tumblr because it's so easy (: But that aside, i will do my osl post soon (tmr hopefully.) Was planning on doing it today but i got distracted and i didn't want to do a slipshod post.

Anw, doubt anyone misses me too much over here.

On a random note, i miss houseMD + hugh laurie + RSL + cuddy + Chase + Cameron + Foreman! and i still want tabby to be in finals even though i know that results can't be changed. Singapore has voted very very wrong this time, srsly ):

Before i do my post osl post, which i've been delaying partly because it's so difficult to put in into words and of my sheer laziness, i shall talk about how last night's Singapore Idol results is still so disappointing D: D: I didn't watch last night's show cos i'm not around, but when i went to check our results today i really wished i wouldn't have to see that tabby was the one who had to leave. From the very beginning, i decided that yes i'll support her because she really has amazing vocals, she has the whole package and i love her stage presence. Idk, this time Singapore seems to have voted quite disappointingly, because you have to agree that tabby is probably one of the best singers in the competition. I really wished there was a judges save, or that judges could step in and cast their votes as well; but i'm really heartened that ken said that he would put tabby through the finals if he had a choice (but sadly he can't D:) rawr, it's quite retarded to feel affected by this because i barely know them personally, but it's still upsetting to know that tabby didn't make it to the finals, because i know that if she did, Finals would have been UH-MAY-ZING :D

Neways, i shan't mope around, but i really hope that i'll see more of tabby in the future--cut an album or just appear on channel 5; that girl really has talent the world shouldn't be missing out on. All the best tabby, know that you're special (:

on a sidenote, i realised that i'm not looking forward to finals as much now that tabby isn't in there ):

WHOOPDEEDOO I REALLY ENJOYED CHOIR CONCERT TODAY IT WAS THE BEST EVER :D and whoever didn't come, you really missed out on a good show. i'm not trying to rub it in, but i really really enjoyed myself on that stage today, two shows, and i loved it both. Our combined repertoire was really good methinks, even though it's rather short compared to our usual concert; here's how it was :

1. Aitakute
2. Butterfly
3. Ant's Summer
4. Ave Maria (well, one can never forget this song x3)
5. Fly me to the Moon
6. I Got Rhythm (it sounds super awesome esp when all of us are really really energised :D)
7. Schlof Main Kind (all the images floating through my mind throughout this song were in black and white; i really loved the parts where we swell and emo our way through--love love this song.)
8. Yo Le Canto To do el dia (everytime i sing this i think that we should all wear huge flowy colourful spanish dance kind of skirts or we should get someone to dance the flamenco!)
9. 小白船 & Siyahamba
10. Les Miserables Medley x3 (i love the way all the emotions come together in this song, all the different ways you can emo and just how we sound in every song; mm, i can't really explain this but everytime i sing this song i just want to emote my way through this song it's so impactful and v v v touching.)

Frankly, i think that as long as we put all our heart & soul into every song that we do, it sounds really good on our end and i think this is the first time i've ever felt so satisfied. We may not be perfect pitched, but i think what really really makes it awesome is the way all our hardcore pracs for the past few weeks really paid off; and once you hear every voice so filled with emotions, i know we've done it :D i can't really describe what went through my mind today, but all i know is that i've realised again just how much we all love singing, just how much rgschoir is filled with the most awesome bunch of people. i love you all, and Songs from my music box will stay remembered for a long time to come.

I'm going to miss the sec4s though ):

Labels: choir

i really have no time for anything else right now, except all the things i've committed myself to. And i'll try not to complain really, because i know that there's so many things i can be thankful for, and i should. Having choir everyday from morning to night lately, and as much as it's v v v tiring i'm quite happy that concert's coming up (: I really hope we don't screw up and that we'll have a blast performing for all you lucky people. hehe, just realised that some of the busking songs are stuck in my head now that's a good sign; certain things i'm scared of is really just the fact that i won't be able to give my best just because i'm afraid of screwing up, of being put down by people. There are times really, when people need to know when to stop telling you what you did wrong, but praise you for what you did right. It's cheesy, but it would make a lot more people smile; rather than to feel bad about yourself. I guess it all comes down to how you take criticisms, but at the same time no one likes to be told how much you're not doing things right all the time, that sucks. You end up feeling like you're not good enough for anything, and you don't give as much as you should because you don't want to hear that voice who says to you that you're doing it all wrong. I feel that way sometimes and i really don't like it, because i need to stop caring so much about how the rest of the world thinks of me-at the end of the day, that's not what really matters D:

Conclusion of the day: humans are selfish, stubborn creatures.

Not that difficult to reach such a conclusion, but it rings so true it's scary. When we complain about things, sometimes all we want is for another person to make things feel better, and say it like they mean it. It really doesn't help when you complain about things, only to be told that "well yes, maybe you suck." Truths are one thing, but being there for the people you love is another; sometimes, you've just got to find that balance which no one seems to be able to.

anws, Concert in 4 days! yes rgschoir, we can do this <3

Labels: choir, rants

my new love is tumblr as of the moment, so do forgive me if the blogger becomes rather stagnant for now. I can't help it cos tumblr has a cooler dashboard + prettier layouts and i can reblog people's stuff and get to see lots of pretty pictures and quotes that make my day :D but in case anyone was wondering, i'll try to keep blogger alive too but for now, i think i'm really screwed because i have a million and one things to complete and tons of deadlines to meet which is really scary because i don't have that much time left. On a random note, i think singing is making everyone schizophrenic because it's the one thing that's keeping me sane, yet is driving me insane too. Go figure.

I would really like to conclude that today has been a very happy day, but nah i don't want to lie to myself or anyone else. I'm not emo sad, or pissed off; it's a really weird feeling that i can't exactly put a finger to actually. Went early for church to prac for publicity dance we did 'Nobody' by wonder girls; super embarrassing thing i've ever done kk! and it was in front of main service so i think when i was up there i really couldn't care less anymore. But camp comm has honestly been a really fun bunch and the choreo prac in the morning was super funny ;D and aaron tang, our rapper was so sporting + hanjie, the wonder boy (who was the only guy doing the dance, btw) ! I don't think we have pictures of it but i wouldn't mind seeing a video of it. I hope more people sign up for camp soon cos it's going to a blast, that i promise. PFFFFFT which is why i'm super duper annoyed that my parents still don't let me go for youth camp despite the fact that:

#1, i haven't been to a single youth camp ever since i joined bpmc (prolly the reason why i feel like i still don't know a lot of people D:)
#2 Since i'm in camp comm, i would of course feel some emotional attachment to camp comm + camp itself (cheesy, but i bet you everyone will attest to that.) so i really really want to go and i know that i'll end up wallowing in sadness or self pity or whatever rubbish emotions you can associate with this. And i won't be able to enjoy this holiday and i will have a lot of regrets.

There you have it, and i don't even know why i bother to put it here since the people who really are THE DECISION MAKERS won't even read this but heck omg why can't they just understand. Sometimes i really feel as though i'm talking to a wall (not the most appropriate analogy, since a wall doesn't go against me) ; or idk, one of those things that just never agrees with you. Was telling rachel about it and we both agree that parents just love to guilt-trip you, all the time, and i really dislike the feeling. Even if i go for it, then i'll feel like they are so upset with me that i end up feeling so bad ): meh i really really really have to just trust this to God, but being impatient, i don't know what to expect, and i'm so scared that what happens in the end is not what i want to happen.

I think i started feeling all frazzled and unsettled when i was collecting registration forms 'cause i was alone (it's no one's fault, really :D) then from then on i just felt v stony and somewhat irritable. Left camp comm meeting today feeling not as contented/happy as i usually do, but i guess it's just one of those days where that little ominous black cloud is following you around. Sometimes, i really wish i could be like Anna (from Anna & Mister God) -- that worry free, that childhood innocence without worries.

Labels: camp comm'09, rants

I am finally tumblr-ing ;D hahaha i swear it has the prettiest layout ever and it makes me feel really happy. Of course i'm not going to give up blogger because it's such a big hassle trying to move all the links and then telling the whole world my new url and things like that; so i'll try to maintain both. And since my tumblr will be my little photo haven, i'd like that. hehe. Go visit @www.morningwalkswithyou.tumblr.com!

I really really enjoyed today's choir prac; especially towards the end when we did les mis omg it was so so good :D 'I dreamed a dream' is a really beautiful song and i think today , at long last, we put all our emotions into it; i was touched. And i am beginning to enjoy choir again, thank God for that. I love the way we sound so beautiful when we put our hearts into it, and if only we always do this.

I don't know if i mentioned this or not, indirectly or directly, there was just this period of time where i really didn't look forward to going for choir. can't rmb when it started exactly, but it's probably the whole period of time after comm results. I know people NEVER FAIL to tell you that it doesn't matter, how at the end of it all it's just a position, it's nothing. But the fact that it's so coveted says alot doesn't it? You can claim and say that it's the singing that matters, that what truly matters is that choir is bonded; yes i agree, but nothing ever changes the fact that everyone does want to be a part of it. I rmb being angry, bitter, upset and disgruntled even, but i thought through it and maybe, it's just not part of His plans for me. I guess i've gotten over it, somewhat.
Thing is, it's very easy to see how much the world affects the way you see yourself, and as much as this is repeated too many times, it is true. The world says that who you are is defined by the positions you hold, the results you get and practically everything else that = materialistic + outwardly; at times you get so consumed by what the world tells you that you forget that all that doesn't matter, because they don't last, they never do. Who you are, is really who you are, as much as even i forget that sometimes, one of the best advice i've ever heard "you've got to learn to love yourself more."

Was just talking on the way home, and Cheryl and i thought that it would be pretty cool to know how the world would be if we never existed; a bit like The Greatest Gift, i know. I wouldn't mind y'know, given the chance. Sometimes i really get to wondering, do i really make any difference whether or not i exist? Would things be very different if i don't? I'm not being emo or anything, but it's something really worth thinking about and i do want to know the outcome. Ever felt under appreciated, or felt like no one notices what you've done? i do sometimes, and it sounds kinda selfish but times like that, i wish i could just take a step back into another world, and see how the world is without me.

--

'I'm not really all that tired,' he replied, 'more...well, more thoughtful.'

'What about?' I asked.

He gave a long, long sigh. 'Did I ask so many questions when I was that age? I can no longer remember that far back.' He paused for a moment. 'Where does the magic go to, I wonder? Where? Where?'

;and i wonder too.

Labels: choir, rants

urgh my body is feeling all ache-y now; the muscle ache kind and it's not even because i did sports. Had three jabs today for osl and my arms ache ): but imho the jabs weren't too bad it was quite funny to see all of us so squirmish in the raffles room just now. And and when the mentors were taking their jabs, the whole team just gathered right in front of them to see their reaction. It sounds so sadistic but it was quite amusing! hahaha. Anyway my sore throat is not getting better + now i have blocked nose and is at a risk of running a slight fever. meh i guess i'll just try to get enough rest tonight, finish watching house then off i go. Choir was quite okay today, 'cept for the fact that my annoying sore throat + blocked nose obviously prevented me from singing properly and it was so gross when my voice broke PFFFFT. this had better go away soon cos i really want to go sing properly & happily :D

anyway, i saw this super pretty headphones audiotechnica ATH-ON3; ahhh the pink / white is so pretty! anyone want to get them for me? (awww i just saw similar headphones with stars on it ; vvv pretty.)

hmm, my life seems to have been taken over by choir, osl, cmps & church camp stuff; well choir mostly but i guess i don't really mind. It's been really tiring and my sore throat doesn't make things any easier. throat feels like crap, dry and i can barely sing D: D: D: this sucks i really hope that it goes away soon because i want to be able to prac properly. les mis have really beautiful pieces and i know that as long as we stop being so lethargic and really put in our emotions, it'll be one hell of a performance; on a sidenote, i need to memorise lyrics and prac choreo and learn my busking stuff ! yikes.

anyway, do come for choir concert! here are the details:

SONGS FROM MY MUSIC BOX (i really love the title btw.)
date & time: 7th nov, 3pm & 6pm
venue: RGS, KS Chee Theatre
Tickets @ $10 each

do come for it and be entertained with an hour of really cool pieces, and a very emotional medley ;D tell me if you want tickets yep.

Finally finished 2 whole days of paper checking and it has been really disappointing; i know i haven't studied that much this year but i really don't know how to describe it other than "unsatisfactory". They always tell you not to focus on your results, but really, that's so hypocritical because that's the one thing they always look at. Out of the nine subjects, i'm only happy with bio, ss and english ;D meh i don't feel like lingering around anymore.

Labels: choir, EYA results

we finally had our flatties outing, after idk how long okay! ;D 'cept that zhitian couldn't go cause she had something on. i still can't believe the day ended so fast cos we prolly spent all the time crapping about who knows what and laughing and laughing non stop. i swear the customers at manhattan fish market just now wanted to throw us out for making so much noise; knowing us, it'll be quite surprising if we actually spend 5 minutes in silence. So there we were sitting at this high table place, talking about our future flat arrangements, then all of a sudden we just burst out laughing. i love them all <3

oh oh and imagine that turns out to be quite a decent movie, not the typical movie we'll watch, but it was pretty heartwarming. storyline's cliched but i like eddie murphy's comical timing (or is that comic timing; aiya nvm) and that other whitefeather guy who practically speaks in nature terms so jolynn, emily and i kept going "HUH WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HE SAYING" emily kept laughing throughout the entire movie she is the best okay, not funny she also laugh :D and i think today is some PUN-ny day; here goes

me: eh i want to go buy subway cookies!
jolynn: then we *butter (supposed to be better) go now right.
carey: huh butter? is that a pun, like butter cookies!

jolynn: *points to island creamery* this is such a cool hang out place.
me: It's a pun right! like they sell ice cream so they're cool.

on the bus ride to island there was this caucasian guy who very nearly looked as though he was going to sit beside emily; the look of hope and longing on her face was EPIC ZOMG! but when he didn't sit beside her you totally could see her face change! hahahahaha :D then when the guy was going down,

jolynn: eh emily 你的希望要走了!
emily: huh...
me: eh he's alighting at the same stop as us; emily go and chase your 希望
jolynn: yeah emily 快点追希望!
emily: his english name is hope.
jolynn: like hope, faith..
me: isn't that a girl's name.

all the funny moments aside, i really miss the sec 2 days, seems like we have less stress then. i guess with every year there's more and more stress, but this year has been quite trying sometimes that you forget how it felt like to not be rushing to meet deadlines, how to just relax and spend time doing nothing at all. i miss those random times with the flatties; hdb tour, the integrated science thing, preparing for acp, drama night and that funny conversation we had with mr mizar was classic. i can't believe he still remembers it till now; methinks he's the best ft we've ever had :D reminiscing at island really brought back the good old days; we need to have another outing soon, with full attendance. if not zhitian cannot defend herself if we give her crappy things to do for our AHEM, future live-in plans.

anyway, certain things got me thinking today, and i really hate the feeling that overcame me. the whole i really wish some things will happen even though i know things are never going to turn out right. I want to let go, i want to make things a lot easier to me, but life just doesn't have things planned out that way for you. It turns your upside down, it makes you go through some screwed up roller coaster ride before it lets you go free. i hate conflicting feelings, cos although i know i have to let go, i hate to lose touch with it completely, and i don't want to let go, not entirely. atm i think 不死心 & you belong with me fits how i'm feeling completely ):

i know my thought are kinda jumbled, but i really don't know what to expect tmr. Getting all the languages + humanities paper back i'm quite worried that i screwed it up; when it was over i refused to let myself think too much over it, but nothing's confirmed, really. it's a summation of the whole year, and as much as it's not the only thing that matters, it's the one thing that'll make or break to a certain extent. I do want to meet my expectations and my parents' as well; and it's tough. I'll just trust that He will see me through it, and today i've really seen how He works in my life to make things right (:

i prolly shouldn't worry too much.

Labels: flatties